A bad night

Crying, sobbing unstoppably for a few minutes tonight because of a line from a stupid TV show.

“Chief. When you get to where you are going…There’s this little girl I never got to meet. Will you tell her I love her very much”.

And all at once the overwhelm of what we did in 1997 came over me. Twenty Five years ago, half my lifetime and it still bothers me. I’ve said before that Rhianna was that little girl. When she was very little she said once ” I’m glad i waited for you to be my dad.” But now and again something is said, heard, or random neuron misfire that makes me wonder if this isn’t true.

And so I’m crying because I should be able to tell someone this and I can’t. I don’t feel like I have friends anymore and I’ve pushed away a girlfriend and moved out of her house to further separate. My reasons were good. I needed to separate her and Logan as he was being mentally, verbally and emotionally abused. I was tired of being judged and yelled at every day and for taking my masculinity and feelings away.